


Why Male Dwarves can get Pregnant

by Mawgon



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Agender Character, Consensual Sex, Culture Shock, Dwarf Courting, Dwarf Culture & Customs, M/M, Other, dwarves have three genders, transphobic hobbits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 17,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mawgon/pseuds/Mawgon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo does not have a crush on Thorin. Sure, the dwarf is very handsome and has an amazing voice, but Thorin is just too rude. And besides, they are both male, which means that Thorin will never be interested. Or that's what Bilbo thinks. </p><p>Turns out, things are quite a bit different in dwarf culture.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for transphobia, I suppose. And innocent nudity, if that's something a Tolkien fan needs to be warned for. Apart from that, it's a nice little story in which not much happens. 
> 
> The use of soap in rivers is mentioned here. Do not try this at home. It is not good for the fish. Which is good if you are in dire need of a dinner, but bad if ... well, almost all circumstances where a lot of dead fish are not desired.

After a week of traveling, it was high time to take a bath, and so, when they found a river, Bilbo stripped off his clothes and went into the water. He soaped himself, happily humming, and thought of the many fish killed by the soap, that they would be able to eat for dinner.   
Life was good. 

He looked around, and froze. The soap almost fell out of his trembling hand. Dwalin had breasts. And ... Bilbo took a short look, then averted his gaze. If there were dangly bits between the dwarf’s legs, they were certainly shorter than expected. There was nothing visible, and thank the gods for the long beard and pubic hair. 

Bilbo finished washing staring at his own feet. 

When he went out of the water, he saw Glóin walk by – and Glóin, too ... looked suspiciously female. 

Hastily, Bilbo put his clothes on and hurried back to the camp, where Bofur was stoking the fire. 

“What’s the matter?”, he asked kindly. 

“I ... I ... is Dwalin a woman?”

“What? No, of course not. Kíli is the only woman in the company. That’s why she bathes upstream.”

“But ... but ... Dwalin has breasts.” Now, it if was Bombur, that might not have been nothing out of the ordinary, but Dwalin was all muscle, except ...

“Yes, he has. They are male breasts.”

“And as about his private parts ...”

“Male, too.” 

Bilbo sat down. He felt dizzy. “And Glóin?” He really had not meant to look, but with him being so small, he had caught a glimpse of Glóin’s parts and ... well. “He ... does not appear to have ... a penis.”

“Why, no. He is a bearer.”

Ah. Now they were getting somewhere. “Meaning?”

“He can bear children, of course” Bofur said with only the hint of condescending tone. 

Bilbo wanted to scream. ‘That means Glóin is a woman’ he wanted to scream. But he was a polite gentlehobbit, and it wouldn’t do to disrespect foreign cultures. “So, Kíli is the only woman in the company.”

“Indeed.”

“Is she a bearer, too?”

“No, she’s a sire, meaning that she can sire children.”

Bilbo blinked. “Alright.” He could live with that, he supposed. Just go with the pronouns everyone else used. Still, it did not feel proper. “Would it not make more sense, you know, to have the, um, bearers bathe with the other bearers, and ...”

“Mahal, no!” Bofur stared at Bilbo in shock. “Why, I hope it is simple ignorance on your side. You cannot expose fragile, delicate women to the eyes of men!”

“Hobbits are ... different.” Bilbo said cautiously. “Very different, it seems.”

“I gathered as much.” Bofur was back to his cheerful self now. “Do you want to ask any other questions? You should do so before Thorin comes back. They are grumpy and wouldn’t understand that it’s a matter of difference between our races. They might be offended.”

“Ah. Is Thorin male or female?” He was completely confused now, even more confused than he had been about his increasing attraction to the muscular body and deep voice of what appeared to be a male dwarf. 

“Thorin is neither. You can tell by looking at the beard. Kili has no beard at all, and Thorin keeps theirs short. They are inbetween genders.”

“So Thorin is neither a bearer nor a sire, then?” He had figured that he was just weird and had not given the matter much thought, as Thorin was too grumpy to consider a relationship with ... them, anyway. 

“Nah, Thorin is a sire.”

“Ah. Thank you. I was quite the bit confused.” So that was settled then. Thorin would not be interested. “It’s just that, in the Shire, we only have women and men.”

“Aye? You know, I’ve been meaning to ask for a while ... why do you identify as man?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You fainted when I told you there’d be a dragon. You are very fussy about your china and your vases and your handkerchiefs. You wear colourful waistcoats. I would have assumed that you identify as woman.”

“Oh? Is that so? In the Shire, we don’t do that. All, you know, sires are considered male.”

The horror on Bofur’s face hit him unexpectedly. “What?”

“Yes, that’s how we do it.” 

“You misgender all female sires?”

“Misgender? I am sorry, I have no idea what that word means. I didn’t meant to cause offense!”

Bofur nodded. “I’m not affended. Just ... I pity you. That must be a hard life!”

“I manage”, Bilbo reassured him. “Can you tell me how courting works for dwarves? I mean, you have men and women, but what about those who are neither?”

“Aye, that’s difficult. They have to find another dwarf who is neither. Don’t tell them, but I think that’s why Thorin is so grumpy.” Bofur winked. 

“Couldn’t ... they get with a woman?”

“Nah. Women need men to ... balance them out. Protect them, and stuff.”

Bilbo was not sure he understood it completely. “You say you look at the beard to see whether someone is a woman or a man?”

Bofur nodded. 

“How does the dwarf themselves know?”

“It is something you just know.” Bofur looked at him with pity in his kind eyes. “From your interests. If you want to fight or not, and if you want to use a sword or a bow ... if you like clothes, if you can cook, all that. Are you sure you are male?”

“From a hobbit point of view, yes.” He bit his lower lip. “Could I be a women, or inbetween, without knowing it?”

“Sure you could. After growing up in such an oppressive society ... we will all be delighted to help you figure it out!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing about someone in a gender-neutral way is hard. I did my best to give you the shenanigans the Company would get up to, in character (or at least in fanon character) for every dwarf. 
> 
> I don't remember if Gollum talked about Bilbo in his conversations with himself, and which pronouns he used, but let's just pretend it was "it", okay?

Bofur informed the rest of the company, and they all were eager to help Bilbo figure out what his gender was. 

Everyone except Thorin, that was. 

Ori brought him corncockle and bachelor’s button and asked him which he liked best. Bilbo really couldn’t say, and settled for admitting that violets had always been his favourite. He had always preferred flowers that were edible and smelled nice. 

Dori asked him whether he wanted to grow his hair longer or cut it shorter. Bilbo found it quite alright the way it was, thank you very much. 

Nori presented him with a brooch he had bought in Bree, to help him try out a more feminine look. 

Fíli took him on a hunting trip, which was very generous as Bilbo thoroughly ruined it because he didn’t have the heart to kill a rabbit. .

Kíli took him to braid her hair, which went a lot better, even though Bilbo didn’t know the traditional dwarf braid patterns for women – apparently they were different from those for men. 

Bombur reassured him that only a woman could cook such wonderful meals as Bilbo did. 

Bifur didn’t say anything, but nodded approvingly when Bombur asked him to utter an opinion. 

Dwalin tested his weapon skills and found that he was most skilled with feminine distance weapons. (Throwing chestnuts, that was)

Òin first didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, but when he had fetched his hearing aid, he nodded, took a look at Bilbo, prodded his belly, and declared that he was a sire. 

“That was not the question!”, Glóin said in an exasperated voice, but could not get Óin to say something else. “Personally”, he declared. “I would just wait and see which gender you are attracted to to know for sure. When I saw my wife for the first time ...”

Bilbo fled before he could be regaled with the whole story. 

The verdict was that he must be a woman, but Balin said they didn’t yet know enough to make a decision, and should get Thorin to make a statement before they changed Bilbo’s pronouns. 

Thorin just muttered that they had more important things to do. 

And then the trolls happened. 

After they had survived that, the dwarves (except Thorin) came together to discuss Bilbo’s gender anew. 

“Parasites”, Kíli said in a disgusted voice. “No woman would think we have parasites, I am sure.”

“Only a man could keep such a cool head while fighting trolls” Dwalin agreed. 

“Bilbo did not faint this time” Bofur admitted. 

“I am sorry”, Balin looked at Bilbo with pity in his eyes. “It looks like you are an in-betweener.”

“You say!” Bilbo tried very hard to suppress his smile. 

“I suspected that when he said he likes violets best”, Ori piped up. “Sorry. When they said they like violets best.”

“Thorin!” Kíli shouted. “Bilbo is the same gender as you!”

Thorin shot her a deadly glare. “I fail to see how that would be of any relevance to our quest.”

 

While Gandalf switched the pronouns he used for Bilbo, Thorin refused to acknowledge their newly discovered gender identity and kept saying “the burglar” whenever he talked about Bilbo, with no pronouns whatsoever. 

 

When they came to Rivendell, though, Thorin insisted that the elves use proper pronouns for the company’s burglar. 

Bilbo would have enjoyed this protectiveness had they not suspected it was more due to Thorin’s hate for elves. 

The haughtiness in Thorin’s voice whenever one of the elves misgendered Bilbo and they could correct them, was a clear hint as to the origins of their newfound protective feelings. 

After they left Rivendell, Thorin went back to ignoring not only Bilbo’s gender, but Bilbo in general. Except when they felt the need to chastise “the burglar” about something. 

Bilbo was thoroughly fed up with it all, and had just made up their mind to return to Rivendell, to lead a life of peace and boredom and being misgendered, when the elven sword started to glow blue. 

And then Gollum happened. Bilbo felt, for the first time in their life, the full pain of being misgendered. “He” and “His” was alright. What Bilbo really could not stand was being called “It”. 

Not even Thorin was that rude!

Bilbo really felt they deserved the magic ring as compensation.

 

They had just found the company again, when they heard Thorin rant about how “the burglar” would have long left them. 

Using male pronounes, no less!

Bilbo had never felt so hurt in his – their – life! 

But. The longing with which Thorin spoke of the home Bilbo had, that they could return to ... no, Bilbo could not just leave. 

Besides, that would be proving Thorin right.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As people were curious as to why Bilbo would go along with dwarven culture ... here's a third chapter which hopefully provides some explanation. ;)

At least Thorin had the decency to look a bit embarrassed when they saw Bilbo. 

They did not apologize, but seemed less grumpy afterwards. Maybe that was their way of trying to make amends. 

Whatever it was, Bilbo blamed it for their decision to foolishly come to Thorin’s aid when the stubborn dwarf attacked the pale orc later on. 

That had been stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

Being carried by an eagle, Bilbo had time to think about that. Endangering one’s own life to save someone as rude and stubborn as Thorin ... it was really stupid. 

Thorin was very handsome, there was no denying that. They also had the most enchantingly beautiful voice Bilbo had ever heard, like dark velvet. 

Still, it was no justification for losing one’s head over a rude dwarf. Bilbo had always thought themselves a very profound hobbit. Not superficial at all. Thorin, on the other hand, really was only desirable at the surface. 

As soon as they opened their mouth, the impression was ruined. As soon, Bilbo corrected, as they opened their mouth for something other than eating or singing. Sing, Thorin could quite well, and their table manners were also superior to those of the other dwarves. 

Under that polished surface, though, there was only ... cold, hard rock, Bilbo decided. Now, Thorin might be flattered by being compared to rock, what with dwarves and their mining, but Bilbo much preferred good earth for growing vegetables and flowers in. 

After the eagles dropped a unconscious Thorin, Bilbo had to admit that they would have done the same all over again. There just was something about Thorin that made Bilbo feel dread at the thought of losing them. 

 

Against Bilbo’s will and better judgement, he lo... they liked the dwarf. And they definitely had not rejoiced in being declared an in-betweener just because that was Thorin’s gender. No. 

It was just like Thorin to start recounting all their insults towards Bilbo immediately after regaining consciousness. 

What was not like Thorin was to admit they had been wrong, and to hug Bilbo. 

Kíli giggled. Fíli whistled. 

Thorin let go of Bilbo and growled “Stop it!”

Now, that was more like Thorin. 

As they descended from the rock the eagles had dropped them on, the dwarves chatted excitedly in their native tongue, and occasional giggles and whistles were heard, always silenced with a glare by Thorin. 

When they had made camp, Bilbo sat down next to Thorin, who was resting on their bedroll, and asked “What is so funny? We survived, which is a reason to be in a good mood, I guess, but not, you know, funny.”

“I should have warned you this would happen.” Thorin sighed. “It was a very unwise decision to ask them to help you figure out your gender, and even more unwise to agree that you’re inbetween.”

“Why?” The only one who had been rude to him was Thorin.

“No one wants to be inbetween. You may have noticed that Ori prefers the slingshot as weapon, but claims to prefer the hammer. People might question his masculinity if he used the slingshot too often. It’s also why he keeps his hair shorter than the others. Some say long hair can be masculine, too, but no one questions that short hair is. Ori does everything to avoid people thinking he might be inbetween genders.”

“But why? I feel alright. The others are not rude about it, either.” No one except Thorin, but Thorin wasn’t rude about Bilbo’s gender, just rude in general. Although remarkably less so at the moment. 

“Thing is, most want to ... to find love.” Thorin’s voice was quieter now, and even more gruff than usual. “And if you’re inbetween, you can only be with other inbetweens. Who are even rarer than women.”

“Well. That is quite alright.” Bilbo pondered their words. “I mean”, they added hastily “Back in the Shire, they’ll consider me male, regardless. But what about you? You could have been male, couldn’t you?”

Bilbo was not entirely sure how this worked, but Thorin was a fierce warrior. Who fought with a sword. And had a beard. Would Thorin change genders if they forgot to cut the beard?

“I like to play the harp”, Thorin whispered, as if it was a shameful secret.

“Oh! I love harp music!” Bilbo exclaimed without thinking. “Um. Is that considered feminine?”

“It is. And I do not care for love and marriage, anyway. Being inbetween was a nice excuse for not wasting my time with those matters.”

“Was?” Wasting time. Was that how Thorin viewed love? 

“Obviously”, Thorin mumbled. “They now think I’m courting you.”

“Oh!” Bilbo blushed. So that was what all the giggling was about! 

“Which is rubbish, of course.”

Bilbo swallowed. That hurt. Even knowing that Thorin was not interested in anyone that way ... it still hurt to hear it said so bluntly. 

“Inbetweens have no courting rituals”, Thorin continued. “We wouldn’t know who is to court whom, after all.”

“But it is allowed to be a couple?”

“Yes. Not that it would matter. You hate me, and ...”

Bilbo stood up. “Excuse me! I just saved your life! I do not do that for people I hate.”

“Oh.” Thorin blinked. “You did not just do that to prove your masculinity?”

“What? It was the stupidest thing I did in my life. If I had had a moment to think ... well, I would have done it regardless, but certainly not because I thought it would make me look good. Or manly. Or whatever. It was darn stupid of you to attack that orc, and it was foolish of me to join in your stupidity.”

“Then why ...?” Thorin’s eyes were shining with tears, blue like puddles reflecting the sky. 

“Because you are the most handsome dwarf I have ever seen, and I am, apparently, a very superficial hobbit.”

“I am lucky I am so handsome, then”, Thorin murmured, bitterness in their voice. 

“No! I mean, you are, but I am not ... I mean, I ...” Bilbo swallowed. That was all very hard to explain, but this new Thorin who was not rude was rather likable. Maybe lovable even. 

“Just kiss them.”

Bilbo gave a start. “Kíli! What are you doing here?”

“Helping you. Kiss Thorin already.”

“No”, growled Thorin. “Kíli, leave. Immediately. No dinner for you!”

“I’m just trying to help”, Kíli complained, but scampered off. 

“So you don’t want me to kiss you?” Bilbo asked quietly. It had been a rather helpful suggestion, taking into account it came from Kíli. At least the topic was on the table now. 

Thorin stared. “What? Why would I not ... oh.”

Bilbo would not have thought that dwarves, especially Thorin, could blush, but that was what happened. 

“You rebuked your niece for suggesting it.”

“She obviously has no business telling you what to do. Of course, if you wanted to ...” There was longing in their voice, desperate longing. Suddenly, it struck Bilbo: Thorin was lonely. 

“I do. Want to, that is.” This new, vulnerable, almost shy Thorin needed a hug. And possibly a kiss. 

“Come here, then. I do not feel like standing up just now.”

Bilbo knelt down next to Thorin and bowed down. “You have remarkable hair”, they murmured. “Just like ... fertile black earth ...”

“Yours is like gold”, Thorin replied. “I always admired it ... thought you’d never want me, you being male ... and then you decided to make it worse, give me false hope, after I had ruined everything by trying to hide my admiration ... 

“You could just have apologized, you know?”

They kissed, chastely. There was no reason to hurry things Bilbo thought while petting Thorin’s hair. Thorin would go nowhere in the near future. 

And there still was something ... “You said you didn’t want to waste time with ... love and ...”

“I do not want to waste time thinking and talking about it all the time”, Thorin murmured. “Besides, I was choosy. You are the only one I ever ...”

“Oh.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration struck, and here is the new chapter!

“Oh.” Bilbo didn’t know how to respond to that. It was more than flattering. “Oh!” Of course, Bilbo had never been interested in anyone, either, but being a bit odd, that was not surprising. Thorin however ... certainly a king didn’t lack opportunity? And there was nothing special about Bilbo. “Is it because of my gender?”

“Maybe ...” Thorin raised a hand, hesitantly touching Bilbo’s hair. “You are so kind and gentle, you like flowers and harp music ... and yet, you went by male pronouns. I have never met anyone so ...”

“So?” Bilbo asked, curiously, while snuggling into Thorin’s touch. 

“So ... carefree. You see, many of the things you are, female dwarves are also. But ... they are not as relaxed about it. I sometimes get the impression they do not really take joy in the things they claim to like.”

Well, obviously. If they had to be careful not to be declared inbetweeners, they’d pretend to like some things dwarves considered feminine, even if they didn’t.

“You are the same though, aren’t you? If you grew your beard and hid the fact that you like to play the harp ...”

“True. I just could never be bothered with pretending that I don’t like it. I already have to pretend that I’m a high and mighty king, that’s effort enough.” Thorin’s hand cramped in Bilbo’s hair, pulling a bit uncomfortably, but Bilbo decided not to say anything.

“The responsibility is a burden, I can imagine that. Though, we do that differently in the Shire, too.”

“I gathered as much.” Thorin’s hand relaxed. “You don’t have a king, do you?”

“No. The Thainship is hereditary, but as the Thain mainly deals with defence issues, that is not so much work. The Mayor is elected every seven years, so no one has to carry that burden of responsibility for too long.”

“That sounds nice.” Thorin ran their fingers through Bilbo’s hair now. “How does hobbit courting work?”

“Ah, well ...” The touch was getting really distracting now. Fortunately, it made Bilbo think of courting, so answering that question was doable. “Flowers. We gather flowers and make flower crowns for our beloved. And ... picnics ... we prepare food for picnics ...” Thorin would look so beautiful with a flower crown. Blue flowers would suit them best, probably. 

“Whom do you ask for permission to court?”

Bilbo blinked. Permission? Ah, of course. “That’s the most difficult part, as I imagine it is in every culture. Usually you don’t ask directly, but show your preference by asking the one you like for dances more often than you would with a mere acquaintance ...”

“So dancing is an important part of hobbit courtship rituals?” Thorin sounded quite the bit alarmed. Maybe they couldn’t dance?

“I wouldn’t call it rituals. We are a simple people, really. And you don’t have to dance. You can also ask for a walk. You know, just to figure out if you’re liked back. And then, well, there’s certain kinds of flowers you present to someone you’d like to court ... “

“The parents are never asked at all?”

Bilbo almost purred as Thorin gently massaged their scalp. “They are asked for their blessing, of course. Hobbits do value family bonds just as much as dwarves. There is no wedding where the parents of the couple are not asked to give their blessing ... and most often, they give it.”

“You do not ask the parents of the woman you’d like to court before you begin to court?”

Dwarves! Did they have to make everything dead serious right at the beginning? “No, not usually. Maybe if there’s a family feud it is advisable to get into the family’s good graces first, but the opinion that matters is that of the person you wish to court.”

“Strange”, Thorin replied softly, though it didn’t sound like criticism. Yes, Bilbo really liked this non-rude Thorin. 

“So with dwarves, it is different? Should I have asked someone else for permission to kiss you?” This was definitely weird. 

“If I were female and you male, then, yes. There’s no courtship rituals for inbetweeners. Which means freedom, but also ... confusion. Can we do it your way?”

“Sure!” 

When Bilbo returned to the campfire, they found that Kíli was eating dinner. Considering recent events, Bilbo didn’t think Thorin would mind. 

“So, you and Thorin, eh?” Kíli winked. 

“Yes, Thorin and me ...” Bilbo mumbled, blushing. “I’m here to fetch Thorin’s dinner, actually. They shouldn’t walk so much after all this.”

Bofur filled two bowls with the boiled meat that Bilbo hesitated to call a stew. “So, we can hope Thorin will be less grumpy from now on?”

“I don’t know. Theirs is a heavy responsibility. Would make everyone a bit grumpy, I guess ...”

“Did you kiss?” Kíli asked. 

Bilbo frowned. In the Shire, one did not brag about having kissed someone. It was acceptable to tell close friends, but other than that ... “This does not concern you.”

“Means yes”, Fíli deduced cheerfully. “Come on, we guessed anyway. That high grass over there doesn’t hide much; I’d have objected to Thorin sleeping so far away from us otherwise.”

“It is alright”, Glóin said. “You are probably worried because you were taught that you needed permission to court. That does not apply to inbetweeners.”

“Thorin told me that inbetweeners have no courtship rituals. That seems weird, considering you dwarves are so ... “ Now how to express that politely? “... that you place so much importance on courtship that there are rituals.”

“But inbetweeners do have courtship rituals!” Ori blushed immediately after saying it. "Well, one ritual."

“The lad is right”, Balin said quietly. “Though you better discuss that with Thorin.”

“I intend to do that.” Bilbo fled, almost spilling some of the food while running back to Thorin. 

Thorin sat up when they saw Bilbo approach. “Thank you.”

Who would have thought Thorin could be so polite? Bilbo handed one of the bowls to Thorin. “You are welcome. Almost dying got to be exhausting.”

“You bet.”

They ate in peaceful silence. Bilbo wondered what the rituals were that Thorin had not told them about, but apparently it was something embarrassing, judging from Ori’s blush and Balin’s recommendation to better talk with Thorin about it. 

Probably that was why Thorin had not mentioned it in the first place. 

“Apparently”, Bilbo finally said, “The whole Company now knows that we kissed ... you know, they asked me, and when I didn’t deny it ...”

“That is alright”, Thorin said, chuckling. “I hated their gossiping when I was sure that you hated me, but now ... it hardly matters, does it?”

Bilbo relaxed. Yes, that made sense. “Good. Would be hard to hide anything from them anyway. Speaking of which, someone slipped up and told me that apparently, inbetweeners do have courting rituals. It seems to be a secret thing ...”

“Oh. That. I admit I hoped to keep that secret from you. It is not really necessary.” Thorin looked at their folded legs, avoiding Bilbo’s gaze. “I am not comfortable talking about it right now. You have my word that ignorance of it will not cause you any harm ... as long as you don’t decide to get involved with another inbetweener, but this is hardly a concern, far away from civilisation as we are.”

Bilbo bit their lip. Of course they trusted Thorin, but they had always had a rather un-hobbit-like curiosity. “You will tell me when we know each other better?”

“I will.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strangely enough, I can't find the word "flower crown" in the dictionary, even though I was so sure I read it somewhere. Should be "wreath" or something apparently. But you understand what I mean, right?

After a good night’s sleep, Bilbo rose early and started gathering flowers. Courting! Who would have imagined! Back in the Shire, Bilbo Baggins had resigned himself to bachelorhood, but now ... dwarven culture was a bit silly at times, and Bilbo had a suspicion that this ritual no one wanted to tell them about was another case of making everything unnecessarily complicated, but Thorin had promised it would not cause problems, so that probably didn’t matter. 

Thorin got up with a grumpy expression, but smiled as soon as they saw the flower crown Bilbo held out to them. “Would you wear it?”

Apparently, their leader’s happiness affected the Company more than Bilbo would have thought, as that day, everyone was in a very good mood. Constant giggling and snickering could be heard, though some disguised it as coughing fit. Why they tried to hide their merriment, Bilbo had no idea. 

After all, the sun shone, the birds sang, and Thorin wore a flower crown in their hair. A flower crown made by Bilbo. Those were good reasons to be happy. 

Humming happily, Bilbo ascertained that their own, made a bit clumsily by Thorin, flower crown was still there. 

Life was great. 

 

Having to flee from orcs yet again was very inconvenient. Back in the Shire, no such things ever happened, Bilbo thought, disgruntled, as they ran. Back in the Shire, the worst thing to happen to a courting couple would have been a rainy day. In which case one could still meet at tea parties. 

Entering someone else’s house without invitation also was not something one did in the Shire. 

One might, in case of very bad rain or hail, knock at a nearby door politely, and if no answer came, enter and stand in the entrance area until the danger of being killed by a hailstone was over.

Locking someone else’s door, however ... Bilbo was not so sure about this. Of course, this was a case of orcs, not hail, so maybe the etiquette was different. 

“You’re safe!” 

Bilbo found themselves in a sudden embrace, not as bone-breaking as that on the Carrock, but more gentle and careful. “Thank Mahal! I was so worried you wouldn’t be able to keep up with us ... I have to confess something.”

“Oh?” Bilbo happily snuggled into Thorin’s arms. This was a very good way to relax after an orc attack. What on earth could Thorin want to confess? They had not spent any time apart, save for the few moments when they had all been running and Thorin had been busy making sure that Kíli was safe. 

“I lost your flower crown.” Thorin’s voice trembled with uncertainty and ... fear?

“Oh, that’s no problem.” Actually, Bilbo had lost the one Thorin had made, too, now that they paid attention to it. “They aren’t made to last.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“It is just because ... a courtship gift is very important, for dwarves. Losing it ...”

“I would imagine that losing something made from metal and gemstones would be more of a problem”, Bilbo interrupted gently. “And I am sure, crowns made of metals don’t fall off one’s head quite as easily. I will make you a new flower crown tomorrow. And I hope you will do the same, because apparently I lost yours, too.”

That finally put Thorin at ease. 

 

Bilbo did not sleep well the night, it just seemed wrong to stay at someone’s house without being invited. 

Watching Thorin was an interesting pastime, though. In the dim light of the glowing embers in the fireside, Bilbo could see well enough to be certain that Thorin was sleeping well. 

Bilbo smiled fondly. Had the stubborn dwarf just been sensible enough to apologize, they could have been this happy weeks ago! 

They couldn’t blame Thorin for thinking that Bilbo’s gender was a hindrance ... after all, Bilbo had thought the same. But after that had been resolved, Thorin really could have said something.


	6. Chapter 6

In the morning, Gandalf introduced the owner of the home they were staying in, Beorn. Bilbo did their best to be polite and not show any shocked reaction, even though the man was even taller than Gandalf, which meant he was a sort of giant. 

However, Bilbo’s apologies were brushed aside with “You’re welcome, little bunny, you needed a safe place to stay.”

Hardly suppressed giggling erupted from where the dwarves who were already awake were sitting. 

Bilbo ignored it. This Beorn seemed to be fond of animals, and if Bilbo reminded him of a bunny, well, that was not the worst thing. 

It was easy to obtain Beorn’s permission to pick flowers in his garden; especially as Gandalf assured that hobbits weren’t greedy, and it would hardly be noticed. 

After a good breakfast and washing properly, Bilbo almost felt like a hobbit again. They led Thorin to a secluded spot in the gardens and began work on a flower crown. 

Thorin tried the same, but seemed rather distracted. “Bilbo ...” they said after awhile. “Why ... why would you love me? I have been nothing but rude to you.”

“You have improved a great deal those past few days.” Bilbo smiled. “Yes, you were rude, but I was attracted to you nevertheless. It can’t just have been your looks ... “ Thorin was handsome, in their way, but they lacked a soft belly, or plump hips, and Bilbo wasn’t even sure about the size of Thorin’s feet ... probably rather small in relation to the rest of them. Not what a hobbit would like, but then, Bilbo had always been odd. “I tried to hate you, but when you saved me from the trolls ...”

“You saved yourself.”

“I would have been dead if you hadn’t dropped your weapons when the trolls threatened to tear me apart. That rather surprised me ... if you hadn’t done that, then my feelings would probably never have developed into anything more than physical attraction ...”

“Certainly not, as in that case, you would be dead”, Thorin stated matter-of-factly. “It was not suited to change your opinion on my manners, though.”

“No, not that. But it convinced me that you must have a heart.”

“If I didn’t have a heart, I would not live”, Thorin pointed out. 

“Don’t take everything so literally!” Bilbo groaned. “One might think you don’t want me to like you.”

“I do. I just don’t want you to like me for the wrong reasons. If you liked me when I was rude, what will happen now that I make an effort to be civil?” Thorin replied softly. “Maybe I won’t be interesting to you anymore?”

“Oh dear. You are serious? No, no, never think that. I was attracted to you before, yes, but I would never have acted on it when you were so rude. Now, though ... now I like you.” With a shy smile, Bilbo admitted “You seem even more handsome, now that you don’t ruin the impression by being rude.”

“I will never do so again”, Thorin assured. “Please believe me that I am not usually this immature. It was ... I was scared. Relationships with people of the wrong gender are frowned upon, among my people, at least, and I feared that if you learnt of my attraction to you, you would feel insulted ...”

“Insulted? Why on earth would I be insulted because someone fancies me?” Bilbo’s hands stilled, they could not work during such a conversation. Poor Thorin! Why would someone think that ...

“You see, by being attracted to you, I implied that you are not quite as male as you appear ...”

Bilbo chuckled. “And I was worried I might be too male for your tastes! I don’t know if anyone told you, you were absent during those conversations, but in the Shire ....”

“There is only the distinction made between sires and bearers, yes, I overheard that.”

“Oh.” Overheard, as if. Thorin must have intentionally listened, all the while claiming to not be interested. While this was highly improper, Bilbo felt somewhat flattered by the interest. 

“Yes. You know, and sires don’t usually ... that is ... I have often felt like a curiosity, a freak of nature, much like a two-headed lamb, because I was only interested in other sires, so to speak. I assumed the chance of meeting someone else like me was about the same as two two-headed lambs being born in the same area in the same year, and that’s close to zero.” Bilbo cleared their throat. “I thought ... I’d frighten you if I ... well.”

“Frighten? I would have been so happy!” Thorin frowned “Even though we would have had to keep the relationship secret. You see, I have to be careful that I am not perceived as too feminine. Having an inbetweener as king is frowned upon already, a female would be worse.” Thorin shook their head. “It makes sense, I suppose, that the kind of relationship likely to produce offspring is most valued among hobbits. I begin to see why mine is a dying race.”

“It would not do to force someone to bear children if that’s not what they want, though.”

“Indeed. And yet ... there are so few dwarf women, there must be a reason ... but I shall not bore you with that, now. Would you show me again how to do this?” Thorin held up the beginnings of a flower crown, and Bilbo happily assisted, brushing their fingers against Thorin’s at every opportunity.


	7. Chapter 7

The short amount of time spent at Beorn’s was too short to really get to know Thorin and ascertain that marriage was an option, but it was sufficient to give Bilbo hope. This could work. Thorin proved to be able to be perfectly polite, and many incidents that Bilbo had not been able to make sense of made sense in hindsight. Thorin calling it a day in the late afternoon, even while grumbling that Bilbo’s weakness slowed them down. Thorin setting whole afternoons apart for weapons training when the only one who really needed the training was Bilbo, whom Thorin had declared a hopeless case beforehand. 

Yes, things were definitely going very well. 

 

Until they entered Mirkwood. Not only that the making of flower crowns was not possible in that vile forest, the atmosphere was also completely wrong for courting. It was dark and gloomy, and the stress everyone was under was not contributing to the blossoming of love. 

But apparently, Bilbo’s attraction to Thorin was less of a delicate flower and more of a weed. It stubbornly remained the same, and when, after a fight with giant spiders, everyone save Bilbo was imprisoned by elves, Bilbo still felt an urge to defend Thorin, despite being rather sure that the stubborn dwarf was somehow responsible for this. 

Sure, the Mirkwood elves behaved terribly rude, but on the other hand, if Thorin had treated them like they had the elves in Rivendell, Bilbo couldn’t blame them. Except they totally did. Those pointy-eared bastards! 

Bilbo was angry at the elves for imprisoning Thorin, and angry at the world in general that their promising budding relationship had to endure a test like this. 

In the Shire, this would not have happened. In the Shire, they would now sit on a sunny meadow, weaving flower crowns for each other. As they should. 

Even though they had the ring and could sneak around undetected, it took Bilbo some time to locate the Company, and, last of all, Thorin.  
After taking off the ring, they cautiously approached the cell. It wouldn’t do to startle Thorin, they might alert the guards. “Thorin?”

The dwarf’s head whipped around, but they didn’t make a sound. With wide eyes, Thorin stared at Bilbo. “Is that really you?”

“Yes. Really me.” Bilbo smiled weakly. 

“Thank Mahal! What about .... the others?” Thorin’s voice was full of worry. 

“Everyone is alive and in good health. However ...”

Thorin immediately noticed Bilbo’s hesitation. “What is it?”

“The elves did not make acommodations for Kíli as the only female of the group ...”

“Meaning?”

“She’s in a cell with Fíli.” Some of the Company were scandalized at that, and Bilbo really hoped Thorin would keep calm enough to ...

“Ah. Good.” 

“You aren’t angry?”, Bilbo asked in a small voice. 

“No, that’s alright. For Mahal’s sake, they’re siblings. And they do have the same bits, it’s not as though any of them might see anything they haven’t before. I’m more concerned about the bearers myself. I hope its not that time of the month for any of them, you know?”

“That time of the month?” Bilbo had heard tales of Men who turned into wolves at the full moon, and hobbit tales of hobbits who turned into foxes, because after the Fell Winter, no one had wanted to hear about wolves, not even in a story that was supposed to scare you. 

“Ah, forgot you’re an only child. And maybe hobbits don’t ... well, if you see any blood on the furniture in the cells where the others are kept, don’t be too shocked, and don’t ask. It’s considered rude to comment. However, if you can steal handkerchiefs from the elves, that would certainly be appreciated.”

Bilbo nodded. They would ask about that later. Blood on the furniture ... hopefully, dwarves did not turn into wolves. 

“For the time being ... would you stay with me? It has been ... lonely down here.”

Of course Bilbo stayed, for quite a long time, before Thorin suggested that they’d better go and tell the others that now, all members of the Company were accounted for. 

It cheered the dwarves up considerably. “Now you will come up with an escape plan!” Kíli not so much asked, as stated. “

Bilbo was flattered, really, but it also felt like a burden to have everyone rely on them ... must be what Thorin felt like all the time. 

Glóin asked for handkerchiefs, and mindful of Thorin’s explanation, Bilbo didn’t ask why, nor comment on the fact that none of them had understood Bilbo’s need for handkerchiefs before.   
There were things the elves guarded well, but the laundry was not among them, so that was an easy enough task. 

By mere chance, while exploring the castle, Bilbo found a way out and, indeed, came up with a plan. A much too daring plan, one that no respectable hobbit ought to even be capable of thinking of, and that even dwarves would probably deem too dangerous. 

Still, it was a plan, and therefore Bilbo told Thorin about it. “A very bad idea, I know. You should probably rather try to persuade Thranduil to let us go.”

“It is dangerous”, Thorin agreed. “Yet I would sooner die in an escape you planned, than bow to this pointy eared bastard!”

“You sure about that? I mean –“

“Absolutely certain.”

Such trust in Bilbo made them feel all warm inside. But there was also fear. Because Bilbo would have preferred Thorin to bow to the elves rather than ... die. Thorin’s life was a definitive priority to Bilbo. However, Thorin’s happiness also was, and that, Bilbo admitted would suffer greatly from such an humiliation. 

In theory, Bilbo’s was a good plan. Wine barrels were watertight, had to be, by their very nature. And if there was too much danger of them being destroyed, the elves wouldn’t ferry them back to Laketown in this way. 

Bilbo had found out that there would be a feast sometime soon, and hoped that the guards would be fewer in numbers for this occasion, as people tended to want to participate in celebrations even if they had work to do. At least this was the case for hobbits, so Bilbo hoped elves were roughly the same. This would be the perfect opportunity to set the plan into motion. 

The time before that, Bilbo spent mostly with Thorin. It was almost time to go and try to steal the keys, when Bilbo remembered something. “Thorin? You said there were courtship rituals for inbetweeners ... would you tell me, now?” If Thorin died, then at least Bilbo would have this unique piece of dwarven culture to remember them by, and to imagine what could have been. Which would be even more painful, but Bilbo had left common sense behind by now. 

“Ah. Well. I suppose you should know ...” Thorin sighed. “Just in case. It is a rather private matter ... when two inbetweeners become a couple, it is expected that they have a sparring match, to determine who is the strongest.”

“What for?”

 

“The winner gets to be on top, so to speak, in the, um, mating. If you know what I mean.”

Bilbo frowned. Thanks to some neighbours who kept livestock, they were well aware what was meant by ‘mating’ and could make an educated guess what ‘on top’ would mean.   
Such a match would, almost guaranteed, be won by Thorin. They weren’t sure how they felt about that. Queasy, at the very least. 

“ It is unnecessary and nonsensical, and I refuse to fight against you. But you should know about it, in case you ever ... should something happen to me ... but we should not talk of that, not now.”

“I must go”, Bilbo said abruptly, and did so. Of course, Thorin was sure they would win, and with good reason, but it still hurt, to be deemed too weak to even have a chance to begin with. Not to mention the prospect of painful ‘mating’ procedures instead of ... Bilbo had not had a clear image of what lovemaking between two ‘sires’ should include, but had imagined something more pleasant. 

Well, better focus on the task at hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, Bilbo is a bit ... slow here, but I just couldn't resist having him worry about dwarves being werecreatures. ;) After all, Bilbo is an only child, and Belladonna having married Bungo too late in her life to have another child would be a good explanation for that - which would mean Bilbo cannot be expected to know.


	8. Chapter 8

It all went rather smoothly, up to the moment when Bilbo realized that they had neglected to find a barrel for themselves, and had to cling to the outside of one filled with dwarf. 

After that, it was a rough journey. Which was all forgotten the moment Bilbo saw Thorin’s face again. 

They were alive. And so were all of the Company. Bilbo counted three times, just to be sure. 

Everyone was a bit damp, but Bilbo was the only one whose clothes were soaked with water. Thorin suggested to make a fire, and Bilbo would have happily accepted that, had there not been the fact that Thorin apparentley deemed them unable to win a fight. “We should better use the day to get closer to Erebor”, they replied, and after some time, Thorin nodded. “Staying here might get us caught by the elves again. We better move a bit.”

So they started walking. Thorin offered their fur coat to Bilbo, who refused. “You will be cold.”

“Not as cold as you.”

“It is your coat.”

“Bilbo, did I do anything to make you angry? I am truly sorry, if ...”

“Just respect my decisions, alright?”

Thorin gave up, and Bilbo regretted it soon. Pride was all nice and good, but it didn’t keep you warm. Must be Thorin’s personality rubbing off on them. There were other parts of Thorin that Bilbo would have liked to rub ... no, that train of thought was not advisable. Not now. And certainly not if Thorin insisted to dictate the conditions of their lovemaking ... had Thorin tried to keep that fighting bit secret so that Bilbo wouldn’t insist on it, or was it because this was not a topic it was suitable to discuss shortly after the first kiss? Bilbo hoped for the latter, but the former seemed likely enough. 

If the escape from Mirkwood had been bad, the manner in which they got to Laketown was even worse. The less said about it, the better. 

By the time Thorin managed to convince the town’s population that they would all profit from the dwarves managed to reclaim Erebor, Bilbo was constantly sneezing and felt slightly feverish. 

Their company was given a house to stay in, and Bilbo seized the opportunity to sit on a chair. It was not a cosy armchair like he had at home, but it was a chair, and they felt much too weak to walk even two steps. 

“Bilbo, you should go to bed”, Thorin said firmly. 

“I am perfec-“ they sneezed. “-tly fine.” 

“No, you are not. And I thought, unlike some dwarves I know, you are actually sensible enough to admit that.”

“Alright, I caught a cold, but that’s hardly life-threatening. Just let me sit here for a while.” There was a fireplace nearby, and if someone would make fire, it would be perfectly comfy. 

Thorin left, Glóin made a fire, and everything was as well as it could be, considering the circumstances. 

Then Thorin came and placed a stone in the fire. Whatever for. 

It was only after Thorin had left, taking the heated stone with them, that Bilbo heard Fíli chuckle. “Aren’t they cute?”

“Yeah, and pray to Mahal this works out.” Kili whispered. “Finally Thorin is worrying about someone else for a change.”

Bilbo would have asked what they were talking about, if talking didn’t seem like too much of an effort, inbetween the constant sneezing. 

With the cosy warmth of a fire, Bilbo nodded off, only to awake when strong arms prevented them from falling off the chair, and a deep voice said “Your bed is ready. And so is your hot bath.”

“I didn’t ask for –“ Yet again, they were interrupted by a sneeze. 

“You didn’t have to. We all need a bath.” Thorin’s voice was gentle and pleading and oh so irresistible. 

Bilbo gave up. If you weren’t a stupid, prideful dwarf, there was only so much you could endure without seeing reason. Bilbo half hoped Thorin would carry them, but the dwarf just offered their arm as support while Bilbo climbed up the stairs. 

Offering them a bath, and specifying that it was hot, was really unfair, Bilbo thought, as they entered the room, where indeed, a bathtub full of steaming water was located. Hobbits just were not meant to get so dirty, and Bilbo had always loved hot baths, so this ...

“There’s scented soap. Do you like lavender?”

Really, really unfair. How was one supposed to properly hold a grudge when confronted with such luxury?

“Turn around, please.” It was not as if they hadn’t seen each other naked already, but this was different. 

Thorin turned around without protest, and Bilbo fought their way out of their clothes and climbed into the tub.


	9. Chapter 9

Bilbo had always had low blood pressure, which was not usually a problem, but made them prone to fainting. Right now, the hot water and overall weakened state did not help any. 

“Thorin ...”

“Yes?”

Bilbo couldn’t find the strength to answer. The dizzyness increased, and everything went dark. 

Upon regaining consciousness, Bilbo coughed water. 

“Say something! Say something or I carry you to Óin like you are!” Thorin was frantic. 

“No!”, Bilbo finally managed to say between the coughing. 

“Oh thank Mahal.” Bilbo felt themselves being lowered into the bath again. “I am sorry for the indiscretion, but when you didn’t answer and I just heard a splash of water ...”

“It’s alright.” Bilbo tried to suppress a sneeze, but to no avail. How embarrassing! “I think I ... need help with washing my hair.” And with not drowning, most importantly. 

There would be talking, later. But for now, Bilbo was content to relax in the hot water, with Thorin’s big hands soaping up their hair.  
They really should have had a talk before ... though in a cold and wet state, Bilbo might have said something they regretted later, so perhaps it was best this way. 

“You have been behaving strangely”, Thorin said quietly while washing the soap out of Bilbo’s hair. “More like a dwarf, and not in a good way.I assure you, after coming up with a daring rescue plan, which was even successful, there is no need to further prove your masculinity. In fact, if you continue acting like this, the Company might come to consider you male. Is that what you want?”

“I don’t care what they think.” 

“Then who are you doing this for? Certainly not yourself, as your illness might be due to it, and it certainly didn’t make you more comfortable.”

“You.”

“Oh.” Thorin spoke softly, and once again, Bilbo found themselves melt like snow in the spring sun. “Then I suggest you let it be. As I pointed out, if you want to remain inbetween genders, it would be safer to behave in a sensible way, instead of insisting that you are well, when everyone can see that you are not.”

“That is not ...” Another sneeze interrupted their words. 

“I liked you just fine the way you were when we first met, and I deeply regret that I ever said otherwise.” From somewhere in the room, Thorin procured a towel, and started to dry Bilbo’s hair with it. “You need rest. If you insist on proving your masculinity, please believe me that the need to claim it’s just a scratch only applies to injuries. You are free to complain at length when you are ill.”

Now that Thorin put it that way, it really sounded ridiculous. Pretending to not need help had almost led to Bilbo drowning in a bathtub, and if that was not an undignified death, Bilbo didn’t know what was. 

“We need to ...” Bilbo sneezed. “Talk.”

“Obviously. How about you go to bed, eat some broth, and then we talk?”

Bilbo nodded. It was high time to behave like a proper, sensible hobbit again. 

Thorin turned their back while Bilbo climbed out of the bathtub and wrapped in a towel. There was a clean nightgown on the bed, and miraculously, the bed was warm. 

So that was what Thorin had needed a hot stone for!

Overcome with gratitude, Bilbo fell asleep almost immediately.


	10. Chapter 10

When Bilbo woke up, the bathtub had been removed, and the morning sun shone through the window. On the nightstand was a short letter, which read “Didn’t want to wake you. My room is next door. T”  
Next to the letter was a mug with lukewarm tea, and a stack of neat, freshly ironed handkerchiefs. Just what Bilbo needed right now. 

Shortly after Bilbo had discovered the letter, there was a knock at the door. Thorin, of course. When they entered, all Bilbo could think was of how handsome Thorin looked in a clean shirt and trousers, even though both were human-sized and therefore misfitting. Thorin’s long, dark hair, still slightly damp, glistened in the light, and really, how should one stand one’s ground when confronted with such breathtaking beauty?  
Just not fair. 

“Do you want to talk now, or eat something first?”

“Talk.”

Thorin frowned. “You are truly not hungry? That worries me.”

“It’s normal.” After all, that was exactly why every sensible hobbit saw to it that they had some fat stored in their body. Throwing up was a waste of good food, so hobbits tended to lose their appetites when sick. “Now.”

Thorin sat down on the edge of the bed. “The first time I noticed that something was off was when you refused to take my cloak. I did not say much during our escape, so that leaves only our last conversation before that.”

“Yes.” It was nice of Thorin to do the guessing, left less talking to Bilbo, who was busy blowing their nose. 

“When I said I would not fight against you, it was not meant to imply that you had no chance to win. You could best me, but not without some considerable damage to my person. Usually, it is done by wrestling for that very reason, but that would be of disadvantage to you ...”

Well, yes. That was true. “I don’t suppose we could –“ Sneeze “- make it a battle of wits?”

Thorin chuckled. “Oh, that’s a splendid idea. We can do that, if you’d like to do it, for the sake of tradition.”

“You don’t want to.”

“It is entirely pointless to try and determine the details of our lovemaking in that way. Even if I were not averse to the idea – please do not take this as an insult, it is just my personal preference – you are obviously much, much smaller than me.”

“And?” There was no logical reason why that should mean anything, except for dwarves’ stupid traditions. “You agreed to court the hobbit way.”

“I did, and would very much like to follow through with it. Was I wrong to assume that hobbits apply common sense to all matters, even this?” Thorin spoke softly, belying their harsh, stubborn attitude. 

“No ...?” Common sense, yes, exactly! 

“Then you will certainly agree that, if we do that sort of thing at all, you would have to be on top, regardless of who wins this ridiculous match?”

That left Bilbo speechless. Of course! This made so much more sense than ... really, what had Bilbo been thinking? If there was any pain to be endured in their mating, of course Thorin would volunteer. It was just how Thorin was. If it looked remotely like an opportunity for a heroic sacrifice, Thorin would seize it. Even if it was only about the question who would wear a cloak and who would endure the cold. 

“I know that you are strong and hardy and able to endure. There is just no point in making you uncomfortable for the sake of proving something.” Thorin cleared their throat. “I do not want to be presumptuous, and of course, if you wish, we can discuss the matter – fighting, however, is not a sensible way to decide this. I hope you agree.”

Bilbo nodded. “Sorry.”

“What for?”

“I misunderstood. I’ve been cross with you for nothing.”

“That’s not your fault. It really was not the best point in time to have that conversation. I only told you because I did not want you to feel rejected, and also, in case I had died in the escape ... some dwarves lack common sense, and you should know what you are getting into before you become too attached to someone.”

Bilbo was not sure whether the heat on their face was fever, or a blush. It was shameful, really, to have thought that Thorin would ever force something unpleasant, or even painful on them. And very immature to have acted on this thought without ever questioning it. “If you had died, there –“ here, a sneeze interrupted Bilbo’s words in a very undignified way “- wouldn’t have been anyone else.”

Thorin smiled. “Thank you. I value the sentiment, even though I hope you would have found love.”

Bilbo huffed. Sentiment? Having been a confirmed bachelor until recently, they were quite sure that, had Thorin died, there wouldn’t have been anyone quite as interesting in about fourty years. But try to get that into a dwarf’s thick skull. 

“Now that this is hopefully resolved, I should get you some broth.”

The next visitor was Óin, who looked Bilbo over, declared the illness to be a common cold, and recommended staying in bed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I should have used some other gender-neutral pronoun; "they" gets very confusing after awhile ... on the other hand, it's the most common term, whereas ze and zir or whatever else there is would take even more getting used to. I should have thought about that before I started the story. Or maybe finished it before posting. 
> 
> Ah, well. Too late now. Enjoy some smut, I hope you can figure out who does what with whom. ;)

Thorin spent most of the following days at Bilbo’s bedside, and Bilbo was glad about it, as that time would have been unbelievably dull otherwise. 

However, those circumstances also led to a feeling of intimacy that would not have otherwise developed quite so soon. While there were no rules about hobbit courting – hobbits never took anything quite as seriously as dwarves apparently did – Bilbo would have thought it wise to court a year or so before even considering lovemaking. 

Well. That had been then. Now, pregnancy was definitely not something that could happen, death, on the other hand, loomed in the near future. Best to enjoy life before that. 

And Thorin was as handsome as ever. 

“This ritual we both agree is a bad idea to enact ...” Bilbo begun. They were seated near the fireside, in plushy armchairs Thorin had somehow managed to procure, and sharing a pipe. Everyone else had long gone to bed, but Bilbo was well rested due to the illness and the bed rest it required, and Thorin seemed happy enough to keep them company. 

“Yes?” Thorin took the pipe out of their mouth. 

“Is it the only traditional thing that inbetweeners have, courtship-wise?” 

Handing the pipe to Bilbo, Thorin nodded. “It is. You are right to be surprised, it is wholly superfluous, while actually having a rule on who is to initiate courtship would be helpful.”

In the Shire, they managed without such rules, but on the other hand, if all dwarves were as shy as Thorin, maybe a rule forcing people to say something wouldn’t be so bad. “That means, if we both agree not to do this fighting thing, we could, so to speak, I mean ...”

Thorin smiled. This was not as rare an occurrence lately as it had been during the first weeks of their travel, but still dazzling. “Do everything we want to do. Yes.”

“And what do you want to do? I hope Kíli is not hiding somewhere, intent on telling me what exactly I should be doing right now. Which means you have to come up with something on your own.”

“Oh, I am quite capable of that.” Thorin’s smile grew broader. “We could start with kissing, though. That was one of Kíli’s better ideas.”

With one swift movement, Thorin knelt on the floor opposite Bilbo’s armchair, and all Bilbo had to do was hop off the chair and lean into the kiss – not without carefully placing the pipe on a small table nearby. 

It was fortunate they were both smokers, Bilbo thought as he pulled Thorin close. Kissing someone while your mouth tasted of pipeweed would have been a severe breach of etiquette otherwise.   
Thorin opened their lips to Bilbo’s exploring tongue, and things became quite heated. 

“Bedroom?”, Bilbo breathed, too excited to speak in full sentences. 

Thorin nodded. “May I carry you?”

Even though they were mostly recovered, the illness had left Bilbo’s body weak and easily exhausted, so this offer was most welcome. “Please.”

Thorin lifted them up with their arms under Bilbo’s, so that they faced each other. “Are you sure this won’t be too strenuous? We cannot afford you getting ill again.”

Bilbo chuckled, snuggling into their lover’s embrace. “If you acommodate me, it will be less strenous than me doing all the work myself. Which I would have to, anyway.”

“Feels like it.” Thorin’s eyes were dark with desire. “You won’t have to lift a finger.”

They lowered Bilbo to the ground when they had arrived at Bilbo’s bedroom. “Would you like that?”

“Very much.”

Bilbo shivered as Thorin started unbuttoning their waistcoat, and not because of the cold. “Have I ever told you that I like your hands very much?”

“No ...?” 

“I do. They are so big and strong and, most importantly, warm.” Bilbo closed their eyes. “You know how much I love warmth.”

“I am aware ... any particular body part of yours feeling cold at the moment?”

“My belly could do with some more heat ...”

Thorin slid a hand under Bilbo’s shirt, and indeed, it was most deliciously warm. 

“Oh yes, right there.” Bilbo lifted their hands to help unbutton the shirt, but Thorin shook their head. 

“No need. Relax.”

When the shirt was finally open, Bilbo couldn’t get out of it fast enough. Thorin folded it neatly and placed it on a chair before they continued the process of undressing Bilbo. 

“My back is cold”, Bilbo hinted, and immediately, a big, warm hand embraced their shoulder, rubbed circles over the skin on their back, while the other remained on their belly. 

When their trousers fell to the ground, Bilbo was glad Thorin had seen them naked before; otherwise this might have caused some awkwardness. But the dwarf knew what to expect and was obviously not disappointed at all. 

“Lie down and rest. You shall have my hands wherever you desire them.”

A delicious shiver ran through Bilbo’s whole body as they climbed the bed. “You won’t undress?”

“Maybe later.” Thorin knelt on the bed, towering over Bilbo. “First I shall have to attend to your needs ...”

Large hands roamed over Bilbo’s body, everywhere but where Bilbo wanted them most. It was most pleasurable, but also quite the bit frustrating. Finally, Bilbo groaned. “Come on, you know how to do this. Your body isn’t that different.”

“I don’t want to hurt you”, Thorin admitted. “You seem so ... fragile.”

“I’m not, you ought to know by now.” Bilbo grabbed Thorin’s right hand and guided it. “There. Oh ...” 

Bilbo had been wrong, after all. Thorin’s hand was large enough to wrap their delicate parts in a warm, tight embrace, covering all of it completely. The way in which Bilbo was used to pleasuring themselves was not applicable here. Not that it mattered, the touch alone was almost enough. 

Almost. And then, Thorin changed their touch, from the rough pressure Bilbo had encouraged to a gentle grip, as if holding a gemstone between thumb and index finger. “Is that ... acceptable?”

“More than”, Bilbo panted. “More tha-“ The sentence ended in a moan as they reached their climax. 

“I’m sure there is still room for improvement.” Thorin smirked. “I look forward to getting more practice. For now, you should rest. Your breathing indicates that you did exert yourself.”

“Not half as much as I would have liked to”, Bilbo muttered while Thorin fetched a washcloth and poured a bit of water over it. “What about you?”

“Me? Oh, I am healthy and perfectly able to take care of those things myself.” Thorin carefully cleaned Bilbo, then hid the cloth under the bed. “You need to rest. However, if you would like to watch ...”


	12. Chapter 12

“I should very much like tha ...” There was a noise outside, clanks of metal and something that sounded like someone was in pain. “What was that?”

Thorin frowned. “Sounds like on of my sibling-children’s pranks. I’ll have to investigate.”

When Thorin drew a dagger, Bilbo felt tempted to follow, just in case it was something dangerous, but thought better of it. In the unlikely case it was something dangerous, an invisible hobbit would be of more use than a naked one. So Bilbo just got up and rummaged through their clothes in search of the ring. 

“Fíli? Ori? What is the meaning of this!” 

Ah, so it was just like Thorin had assumed. 

They had left the door ajar, so Bilbo could hear the conversation . “I just wanted to to go the privy”, a very intimidated Ori explained. “I just, uh, wanted to avoid a creaking floorboard, and that’s why I walked close to the doors, and ...”

“I am allowed to protect my sister’s virtue, am I not?” Fíli interrupted. 

“Not by building traps! And not such loud ones, anyway. What if Kíli had left her room to go to the privy? Now you’ve woken everyone.”

The voices were joined by Kíli’s, who wanted to know the reason for the noise, and complained about having been woken, promising swift revenge to her brother. 

Finally, Thorin returned to the room. “Those two will be the death of me. I thought they were bad when they’re planning their pranks together ...”

“You are not angry at Ori?” The excuse about the creaking floorboard sounded rather implausible. 

“What? No, I’m pretty sure he’d have been very welcome in Kíli’s room. And kept silent about it, like a gentledwarf ought to. I do hope he’ll ask Dís for permission to court Kíli when all of this is over.”

“Oh.” So dwarves weren’t that strict, after all. Or at least Thorin wasn’t. 

“And if Kíli is stupid enough to get Ori pregnant before that happens, then her virtue will be the last thing she’ll have to worry about”, Thorin continued grimly. “She’ll pray that I find her before Dís does.”

That sounded rather much like a threat of exaggerated violence. The sort of which, Bilbo hoped at least, was not to be taken seriously. “Wouldn’t it be Ori’s fault, too, in that case?”

“In theory, it might be, but knowing the both of them, it would have to be completely Kíli’s fault. Ori is way too sensible to engage in something risky without a bad influence. Besides, he would be punished enough – my brother suffered from morning sickness for weeks when he was pregnant with those two little pests. Not to mention Dori’s reaction ...”

Bilbo nodded. Brother? Pregnant? All of this still took some getting used to. “So ... Ori is ... a bearer?”

“Well, I didn’t stare when we bathed, but I’m rather sure.”

“You mentioned something about the time of the month being important for bearers ... they ... don’t turn into something nasty, do they?” Bilbo felt a bit silly for asking, but they really wanted to know. 

Thorin chuckled. “Depends on how you define nasty. My brother can get quite grumpy when he’s in pain.” Thorin must have noticed Bilbo’s wounded expression, for they continued in a more serious tone “No, they don’t turn into anything. A bearer’s body prepares for pregnancy every month or so, and if no conception takes place, the body gets rid of all the nourishing blood, a process that can be quite painful, and is always rather inconvenient.”

Bilbo paled. “That must be terrible!”

Thorin nodded. “Whenever Dís yells at me because he’s in pain, I count myself lucky that I only have to cope with the yelling, not the pain.”


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, Ori was very quiet at first breakfast. Thorin didn’t mention the incident, but passed the butter and the cooked meats over to the scribe without being asked, which put Ori somewhat at ease.   
Bilbo finally believed what Thorin had said about not usually being immature; if Thorin put their mind to it, they could be very diplomatic, rivaling the tactfulness of a member of the Baggins family. 

Later that day, Bilbo was pulled into a corner by Ori. “Thank you”, the young dwarf whispered. 

“What for?”

“For ... you know, Thorin came out of your room tonight, when they caught me. I think they’d have been less generous if you hadn’t been such a calming influence.”

“You don’t give Thorin enough credit”, Bilbo replied in a hushed voice. “They are way less traditional than you might think. That courting ritual you mentioned – Thorin suggested we forego it.”

“Really? But then, how –“ Ori interrupted himself, the realization that the question was inapproprate catching up with him. “Forgive me, that’s private, I -” 

“No harm done”, Bilbo said gently. “I understand you are curious. Let’s just say that hobbits prefer to solve problems by talking about them and finding a solution that suits everyone, not by fighting.”

Leaving a flustered Ori behind, Bilbo went to look for Thorin, as something had just occurred to them that they could not possibly ask Ori. 

 

Thorin was in their room, brooding over the map again, and turned around eagerly when Bilbo entered. 

“Are you looking for something?” Bilbo asked. 

“No, I just ... I know Durin’s day is still weeks away, but .... I have little patience left. 

“In short, you need a distraction. Very well.” 

Thorin chuckled. “Yes, you could put it like this.” They knelt down to kiss Bilbo, and seemed disappointed when Bilbo broke the kiss soon. 

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“Nothing to do with our quest, I suppose?”

“Actually, it is about the, um, mating.” Bilbo climbed Thorin’s bed, still a better place for sitting than the too-high chairs, and looked down on their hands. “That ritual we talked about is for inbetweeners only, correct?”

“Yes ...?”

“If so, then how would any other couple decide who would be on top?” Ori might be a “bearer”, but if that was not the case, would two “sires” not still have to decide that matter? Of course, they could simply talk about it like mature adults, but somehow, Bilbo doubted that. 

“Oh, that’s easy”, Thorin replied. “The man is always on top, of course.”

Bilbo frowned. That couldn’t be right ... “And if the man is a bearer?”

“Actually ...” Thorin sat down next to Bilbo and covered their face with their hands. “Mahal, that reminds me of ... I wanted to forget that!”

“Sorry!”

“No, no need to apologize, it is not that bad. It is just, there was the time when Glóin’s wife got very, very drunk and told us exactly how much she likes to bottom, so to speak.”

“Oh.” Bilbo had trouble figuring it all out. Glóin was a bearer, so to speak, and from the existence of young Gimli it could be deduced that Glóin’s wife must be a sire. Glóin had told everyone who would listen about the great resemblance little Gimli bore to his beloved wife, so adoption was not a possible explanation. 

“In Erebor, the ladies would retire before the drinking starts in earnest, but ever since we had to flee, the old customs have been a bit more relaxed and Glóin is a distant relative, so ...” Thorin sighed. “I never wanted to know. But I do.”

“How ... how does it work?” Bilbo asked. “If you don’t mind me asking. I mean, anatomy-wise ...”

“No, I don’t mind. Actually, one can buy devices for that very purpose. Every adult dwarf knows that, so there’s no need to think about Glóin ... who made such a device with his own hands ...” Thorin slapped their own forehead. “I wish I had drunk more that night. Well, Gloin’s wife is just as infatuated with him as he with her. And loves to talk about it, too. You get the picture.”

“Ah.” Well, now, that might explain why dwarves had so few children, even though the couple must have done it differently at least one time, hence the existence of their son. Or daughter. Thinking about it, Bilbo was not actually sure. Probably young dwarves didn’t decide on a gender before reaching adulthood. 

Not wanting to remind Thorin of the inappropriate details they knew about their friends’ wedded life, Bilbo refrained from asking further questions on the topic. “You said something about being averse to the idea of ... I don’t really know what, but ... you meant the mating as such?”

“Yes. It is not like ... if you want to do it, I would give it a try. It’s just that I never really saw a point in it. For the one who is on top, it is unsanitary, and for the ... and, oh Mahal ...” Thorin groaned. “I just wanted to say I don’t really see what is in it for the one who bottoms, but ... I now remember that I said the exact same thing to Glóin’s wife.”

“And now you know?” Bilbo guessed. 

“Yes, unfortunately, I do, at least in theory.”

Now that they could be sure Thorin would never expect them to do it, Bilbo's curiosity had the upper hand. “Wouldn’t it hurt?” 

“With you on top? Probably not. Allegedly it doesn’t hurt if done right, but ... I’m fed up with doing things that hurt when done wrong. Like fighting against orcs.”

Bilbo chuckled. “I see.” Probably getting the mating right was easier for a hobbit than getting the fighting right, but Thorin had a point. 

“If it is all the same to you, I’d rather postpone that sort of experimenting until I have recovered from all this. And we have a decent bathroom at our disposal.”

“Very sensible. We might yet make a proper hobbit out of you.” 

Thorin’s roaring laughter came as a surprise. “I will take that as a compliment”, they said when they had recovered from the bout of merriment.

“It is meant as one. You can ask any single inhabitant of the Shire.” Bilbo beamed. Making Thorin laugh was quite the accomplisment. “There is, however, some kind of experiment I’d rather much like to do right now ... we were interrupted last night, and I believe I am now sufficiently recovered to be able to lift a finger. Or two.” 

“That sounds like a rather intriguing experiment you suggest ...” Thorin walked over to the door and locked it. “Now, tell me more, I’m all yours.”


	14. Chapter 14

On Durin’s day, Bilbo decided that, even if they should perish in dragon fire, it would all have been worth it, for having known Thorin. Especially Thorin, though the other dwarves also had grown on Bilbo, much like mold. They were often silly, stubborn, made things unnecessarily complicated and were quite annoying at times, but ... well, they were friends. And it turned out that an adventure was exactly what Bilbo had lacked. After all, how could one properly appreciate a cosy home if one had never experienced how it was to be without such comforts?

Bilbo really, really, really looked forward to a nice hot bath now. And lots of other things. And ideally, they would take that hot bath in Erebor. Thorin’s home. Bilbo smiled. It was well worth the risk. Giving your beloved a home was by no means required in hobbit culture, but it was looked on favourably. Certainly a very romantic thing to do. 

As was saving your beloved’s favourite flowers from some garden pest or the other. Bilbo chuckled as the text of a ballad written by some Gamgee ancestor came to mind. The Gamgees took gardening more seriously than other hobbits, and compared to dwarves, hobbits took their gardening very seriously indeed. Dwarves only seemed to care about things they could eat. If at all. 

Bilbo’s idea of how to get rid of the dragon was not a good one, and would likely fail, but they just had to try. 

Upon meeting Smaug, Bilbo was rather surprised at how vain the dragon was. 

So, they just sat down on a treasure chest, and stuffed a pipe, desperately trying to appear calm on the outside. “I’d offer you a smoke, but obviously, that pipe is much too small for a majestic being like you.”

“Indeed.” Smaug puffed up. 

“Some prefer to chew the tobacco, but I have always found it is much too strong that way.”

“Too strong?”

“Why, yes. That’s why you smoke it. I doubt even a dragon could eat it without being sort of, well, overwhelmed by it.”

“Nonsense! Nothing overwhelms a dragon!”

“Well, that may be so, but I would really advise against ingesting as much as even that pouch of Lonbottom Leaf – very good tobacco, really – I have here.”

“I am a dragon!” Smaug blew fire, and had Bilbo not jumped out of the way, the hair on their feet might have been singed. 

“Alright, alright. I will not have people say that I am stingy with my tobacco. Here, try as much as you want.” Bilbo threw the poach into the air, and couldn’t believe their luck when Smaug caught it out of the air and swallowed it whole. 

“That tastes horrible!” the dragon complained. 

“It is an acquired taste”, Bilbo admitted, making smoke rings as if they hadn’t a care in the world. “And you just swallowed it all, so you won’t get the opportunity to try it again.”

“There’s still some in your pipe ...”, the dragon growled. 

“You want that, too?” Bilbo threw their pipe into the air, and put on the magical ring. 

High time to run.

 

Shortly afterwards, Bilbo was gasping for air and just stood upright because Thorin’s arms were wrapped around them. “I ... fear ... the dragon ... is angry”, they finally managed to say. 

 

“Aye, sounds like it”, Bofur said, in a troublingly cheerful voice. “What’d you do?”

“Just offered him some of my tobacco.” Bilbo had used a brewage made from water and tobacco leaves against fungus gnats, greenfly and other pests with great success. The only thing one had to be careful about was to not ingest the stuff oneself, as it was poisonous to hobbits, too. 

From the sound of it, it caused at least some symptoms in dragons. 

There was a sound of stone falling, and Bilbo paled. “What was that?”

“The main gate, from the sound of it”, Balin stated matter-of-factly. “Seems the dragon is out of the mountain, at least.”

Very, very slowly and carefully, they walked through the secret passage, and indeed, the dragon was not there anymore. Just the pile of gold and jewels. 

“Find the Arkenstone”, Thorin ordered. “All of you, get to work now.”

Bilbo blinked. This was not the Thorin they knew and loved. Actually, Bilbo had already found the Arkenstone - by sheer luck it had rolled right in front of their furry feet - and had been planning to give it to Thorin in more private surroundings, like one would with flowers in the Shire. It would have been such a romantic gift. 

The most sensible thing would be to just give it to Thorin now, and spare everyone a lot of work, but ...

“Shouldn’t someone have a look at the dragon? You know, make sure he’s dead?” And Thorin had not even thanked Bilbo. That was really rude! Not that they would have minded beforehand, as the hug had sufficiently proven Thorin’s gratitude, but there was something very strange about Thorin now. Like, wanting to look for the Arkenstone before all else. What about the dead dwarves? Bilbo had seen some burnt corpses – did they not deserve a proper burial? 

“I go.” Dwalin volunteered. “Kill the beast once and for all.”

“So it doesn’t come back and try to steal the gold from us again”, Balin added. “Very sensible idea, Bilbo.”

Finally, Thorin nodded their consent. 

 

Bilbo was angry and confused enough to let them search for the Arkenstone until Fíli told Thorin that he would go to sleep now, and if Thorin wanted to seek for the Arkenstone the whole night, they could do so on their own. 

Dwalin, having returned with the good news that the dragon’s head was now severed from its body, nodded. “We have a better chance at finding it when we are well rested again.”

 

Thorin allowed everyone to get some rest, but continued searching themselves. Bilbo’s resolve weakened. 

Still, Thorin’s behaviour was creepy. 

Balin was the last to go to bed, or rather second-to-last, as Bilbo followed him. 

“What is the matter with Thorin? I mean, I didn’t expect much, but a ‘thank you’ would have been nice.” And after having told Bilbo so much about Erebor, why had Thorin not offered to show them around? Or ... anything, really. 

“And we are all very grateful to you, believe me, Bilbo. You are not the only one to notice the change that has come over our leader, and that is why I have not thanked you yet. Please accept my apologies.”

“It’s alright”, Bilbo murmured, a bit embarrassed.

“How did you know that pipeweed is poisonous to dragons? I knew that it is not for eating and should be kept away from children, but ...” The dwarf shook his head. “I didn’t make the connection.”

“Oh, it’s what I do against garden pests. This dragon infestation was a bit larger than what I usually deal with, though.”

“A garden pest!” Balin chuckled. “Smaug the Terrible, a garden pest. You are quite exceptional, Bilbo.”

“Not really. If you had taken a Gamgee on this quest, I am rather sure they would have done an even better job. They’re experts when it comes to gardening, and the fight against pests, and they have much deadlier recipes, that would have killed the dragon before he could damage your mountain any more. Terribly sorry about that, by the way.”

Balin shook his head. “You apologize for not killing the dragon fast enough?”

“Why, yes. I will have you know that had you lot broken the door of Bag End so that all the rain and wind can get in, I would have been very cross with you. Damaging a home is ... just not done.”

“We are quite happy with the outcome, be assured of that.” Balin smiled, but there was a tinge of sadness to it. “Thorin is .... not in their right mind. An unhealthy obsession with treasure runs in the family, but I had hoped Thorin would be immune ... after everything that happened ...”

“Do you think they’ll get back to normal once the Arkenstone is found?”

“No, I am afraid not. In fact, I fear the condition might worsen.”

“So what do we do? Can’t, I don’t know, Óin declare them insane and Fíli can take over? Because right now, I would prefer a hot bath and a good meal over searching for the Arkenstone.”

“Thorin is the King. No, no one has the power to declare them legally insane and unfit for ruling. Remind me of that if ... when Thorin has come back to their senses. There should be a law – but only the king can make such a law. You, being a hobbit, may not understand, but refusing Thorin’s orders would be high treason. No dwarf would do that, not even ... now.”

“Terribly inconvenient”, Bilbo grumbled. True, they couldn’t remember any insane Thain or Mayor, but there were laws for such a case. “So, we just wait and hope?”

Balin nodded.


	15. Chapter 15

The next morning, Bilbo hoped against hope that Thorin would be sane again, but no such luck, if anything, Thorin was worse. 

A couple of days after that they were still living on travel rations, only allowed as much rest as was strictly necessary, spending all their time turning coin after coin in search of the Arkenstone. 

Bilbo could have left. The quest was over, after all. There was nothing to keep Bilbo from returning to Laketown with their share of the treasure, (or least as much of it as a hobbit could carry), taking a nice hot bath and eating a nice warm meal, and then, return to the Shire. 

Except, well ... Thorin. Bilbo just didn’t want to believe that this was how it was to end. Obviously, hoping for marriage had been stupid. Bilbo knew enough about the concept of royalty to be rather sure of that. Back when they had been on the quest, it had been easy enough to believe that a dwarf king was not much different from a Thain. Just someone who held a fancy title and was, in unusual circumstances, entitled to make some decisions, but was essentially the same as everyone else. 

Kings, though, were different. They were inherently better than anyone else. Bilbo had always thought that concept rather stupid, but it was a deeply ingrained part of dwarven culture. And of course, a high and mighty king would never marry someone from a country that didn’t even have royalty. And even if the Thain were a king, Bilbo was not part of that family line, and the title of Mayor, while not completely out of reach for a respectable Baggins, would certainly not suffice.   
Was Bilbo seriously considering to become Mayor just so Thorin would marry them? Silly, silly thoughts. The Shire deserved better. 

Thorin had taken to wearing a crown and enough jewellery that a hobbit wouldn’t even have been able to carry the additional weight. 

Bilbo was quite fed up with it all. If they were to return to the Shire, they’d like to see Thorin sane again before that. 

So, one morning, before everyone else woke, Bilbo Baggins walked to the throne room where Thorin had taken up residence. 

As expected, Thorin was sitting on the throne, and had been in some sleeplike state, as they were startled awake when Bilbo entered. 

“This must stop”, Bilbo began, crossing their arms. “Thorin Oakenshield, you ...” A noise interrupted Bilbo’s words. 

The noise of a very large gem falling out of a pocket and onto the stone floor. Bilbo just knew they should have mended the hole in that pocket. 

Darn it!

Thorin’s face went pale. 

“You! You! You lying liar!” 

Vaguely surprised that Thorin was not able to think of nastier words, Bilbo stepped back as Thorin approached, drawing a dagger. 

A dagger!

Surely, Thorin would not ... or would they? Bilbo’s eyes went wide with fear, as uch as shock. 

“I intended to make you my consort, and this is how you repay me?” The dagger was at Bilbo’s throat all of a sudden. “Thief! Liar! Traitor!”

“Excuse me, what?” Bilbo sputtered. “You never intended to marry me. Just look at you with your fancy crown! As if you would ever marry a commoner!”

“You, of all people, doubt my word?” Thorin pressed the dagger closer, still not breaking skin. Bilbo stumbled backwards and fell down. 

“Of course I would! You spoke of friendship, even love, and now you want to kill me over some shiny stone!” It hurt. So very much. Not the dagger, but the intention behind it. 

“Some shiny stone? That’s what the Arkenstone is to you?” Thorin didn’t even seem angry anymore, surprise at Bilbo’s low opinion of their favourite trinked surpassing any other emotion. 

“Exactly. Why, I’m not even sure this one is the original. Could be a cheap copy made from coloured glass.” Bilbo spat. “To be honest, if someone gifted it to me, I’d probably only put it on the mantlepiece when they visit. It’s rather gaudy, wouldn’t fit into my tastefully decorated home!”  
What was this feeling? Jealousy? Quite probably. Bilbo Baggins was probably the first hobbit in the history of Arda whose rival in love was a Yavanna-damned stone! Why, if their rival had been a dwarf, hobbit, or any other sentient being, Bilbo would have done the decent thing and stepped aside, but a stone ... no, definitely not! 

Thorin’s hand went limp, letting go of the dagger, which it the ground with a metallic noise. “I don’t understand ... why would you steal it when ...”

“I wanted to give it to you! Fool that I am, I thought it would be a romantic gift. I found out soon enough that you would never ever look at me again if you were to get your hands on it – as has happened now. So, kill me and be happy ever after with your beloved shiny stone!”

Thorin sank to their knees. “Take it, then. Take this ‘shiny stone’ and leave. Go back to your lovely Shire, and be happy.”

Bilbo blinked. Something was different about Thorin. Was it possible that .. yes, it certainly looked like ...

But Thorin had also told them to leave. Bilbo swallowed as they scrambled to their feet. Well. That was probably the best time to leave. 

Clutching the Arkenstone, Bilbo walked out as if nothing had happened. As if Thorin had not just told them to leave.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mess with the timeline with this, I know. But with Laketown remaining unharmed, the time until they're attacked would be rather uneventful.

When Bilbo returned to the room where the others were sleeping, Óin was already awake, and so was Balin. 

“Does Thorin know?” was the first thing Balin asked. 

“They” Bilbo swallowed. “They told me to take this stone and leave ... it is the real one, isn’t it?”

Balin walked closer and examined the stone with an awed expression. “Yes. It is. You must have misunderstood. There is only one explanation why Thorin would give away the Arkenstone ...”

“I ... I think they have come back to their senses and know it’s dangerous”, Bilbo murmured. “It would not be so in the Shire, hobbits don’t care about stones.” It was a very sensible idea, really. The only flaw Bilbo could find with it was that it required leaving, and never seeing Thorin again. 

“So Thorin ...?”

“Is sane again. Yes, I hope so. They seemed a bit embarrassed about threatening me with a dagger.” But still angry enough to tell Bilbo to leave. 

“Now, now, let’s not hasten things.” Balin placed a hand on Bilbo’s shoulder and steered them out of the room. “Why don’t you hide this in one of the empty rooms, and then we talk to Thorin?”

“They were pretty clear on wanting me to leave.” 

“Thorin wasn’t really themselves those past few days. I will ask what this was about.”

Bilbo desperately hoped that there was some explanation which did not include Thorin hating them. After all, the Arkenstone was much more to Thorin than just a shiny stone. By keeping it to themselves, Bilbo had really hurt Thorin. 

It would be a miracle if Thorin still liked Bilbo the way they had before. 

However, Balin had not yet managed to even enter the throne room, when Kíli came running. “Thranduil is here, and demands part of the treasure.”

“Thorin won’t like that”, Bilbo mumbled darkly. 

However, when Thorin emerged from the throne room after Balin had gone there to fetch them, the look on their face was ... empty. 

“Let Fíli decide. I care not what happens to those gems.”

It was somewhat ironic, Bilbo thought, that the moment Thorin was sane again, they immediately decided to declare themselves unfit for decisionmaking. 

However, it was a good thing. Bilbo was absolutely sure it was a good thing that Thorin would now readily make a new law that enabled the king’s advisors to declare him legally insane and substitute his heir. 

Then why did they feel so sad?

It must be because Thorin was not ... not really themselves, still. Oh, sure, the sanity was back. But the light in Thorin’s eyes, the life ... it all seemed to be gone. 

 

A decision had not yet been made, when Gandalf came to inform them that they were soon to be attacked by orcs. 

Lead by Fíli, the dwarves prepared for battle. Kíli was to stay on the battlements and use the bow. 

“I would ask you to stay with her.”

Bilbo froze. It was the first time Thorin addressed them directly. “I can’t throw stones that far, and I am rather good with my letter opener by now, I daresay.” Not nearly good enough, but Bilbo wanted to stay with Thorin. 

“I will stay with Kíli and make sure she is safe, then”, Ori volunteered. 

Thorin did not object to that, but said something to Dwalin. Soon after, the warrior returned with a silvery chainmail shirt and gave it to Bilbo. “Put that on.”

“I don’t think I am really the type for chainmail. That will be much too heavy.”

“It is mithril. Light enough even for a hobbit. Does it feel too heavy in your hands?”

Only then did Bilbo realize that no, it felt perfectly light. 

“Put it on already. King’s orders.”

Bilbo looked at Thorin, who just nodded silently


	17. Chapter 17

There was no shortage of enemies. Bilbo put on their magical ring and created quite the bit of confusion amongst the orcs, who wondered why they were suddenly bleeding in places where they had seen no one attack. 

Despite their terrible state, Thorin fought admirably. Maybe for a dwarf, fighting didn’t require conscious thought as it did for a hobbit. 

Orc after orc fell under the dwarves’ blades. 

Bilbo had just poked their sword into the foot of an orc who had attacked Thorin, when Nori appeared close by. 

Being the best at stealth after Bilbo, Nori had gone to assess the situation. Apparently he had succeeded, at least in staying unharmed, which was the most important. 

“Azog has taken Ravenhill.”

“Finally!” Fíli cheered. “Have you heard, Thorin? We will get our revenge!”

“You stay right here, and so will I”, Thorin replied. “I gave you permission to lead the Company, but I withdraw it now. You stay here with me, or you go inside with Kíli.”

“But it’s Azog! The pale orc! Slayer of our kin!”

Thorin growled. “YOU STAY!” Then, after some glaring, added: “It is just an unusually coloured orc. I will not endanger the life of me and mine because of an orc with skin problems.”

“But ...”

“Sibling-son, you go inside and protect your sister’s virtue. You were keen on doing that not so long ago.”

Fíli huffed, mumbling something about his royal blood, and it not feeling right to not get his revenge, but did as told. 

 

After the battle, when the dust had cleared, and Óin was tending to Thorin’s wounds, a dwarf from the army of Dain brought the news that Azog was dead. “By an elven arrow.”

He said that as if it was somehow bad. Bilbo could not quite understand why – dead was dead, and although the hobbit had never really gotten used to killing, certainly Azog being dead was good news to the dwarves?

“Thank you. That is good news”, Thorin replied, and that could have been it. 

“Have you no honour?!” the strange dwarf sputtered. “To be glad that your enemy was slain by elves! You –“

“That’s enough”, Bilbo interrupted him. “Thorin – sorry, I mean the King Under the Mountain, is injured, and needs rest.”

“Who are you to tell me –“

“This”, Thorin interrupted “Is Bilbo Baggins, the current owner of the Arkenstone. Watch your tongue.”

The stranger’s eyes did not get as big as soup plates. Bilbo knew the size of a soup plate quite well. However, they did widen a lot, and the dwarf murmured an apology before he left in a hurry. 

Bilbo turned to Thorin “Ah, while we are at it, I have been meaning to ask ...” Bilbo didn’t finish the sentence, as Thorin’s eyes had fallen shut. 

Soon after, Fíli and Ori arrived to carry Thorin inside the mountain. “Thorin is lucky – that arm wound will scar badly”, Fíli said, sounding angry, as they all walked into the mountain. 

“Why would that be a good thing?” Bilbo was not quite sure if they understood the darven sense of humour here. 

“It will make them look more manly. Perfect location to show it off, too. While I – just look at me! Not a scratch!”

“Um.” Bilbo was at a loss for words. Hobbit etiquette didn’t cover that sort of situation. “I’m sure there will be other opportunities to get scars.”

“Maybe ... if Azog is still alive ...” Fíli sighed wistfully. 

Bilbo didn’t have the heart to tell Fíli the news. Besides, it was nonsensical. Were the dwarves crazy? To wish that a dangerous enemy were still alive?  
Or could it still be attributed to cultural differences?

Thorin had not reacted that way ... in fact, Thorin had acted very sensible ever since regaining their sanity. 

“Bilbo? A word?”

Bilbo turned around to Balin “Not to be rude, but I would like to be there when Thorin wakes up again.”

“Thorin isn’t asleep.”

“What?!”

“Nor unconscious, and certainly not dead. Come.”

Shrugging, Bilbo followed the dwarf back to a corner they had passed before. “What is the matter with Thorin?”

“If I should wager a guess, I would say they do not want to talk to you about that just yet.”

“Whyever not?” They were getting along rather well, or so Bilbo reckoned, judging from how Thorin had defended them against the strange dwarf. So why would Thorin not want to talk?

“Thorin gave you the Arkenstone.”

“Yes ...?”

“You see, inbetweeners don’t have any hard and fast courting rituals, but for regular courting, gifts are very important.”

“Oh. No, I don’t think that’s it. Thorin likely just wanted to get rid of the thing.” Still, Bilbo could not help but feel very pleased at the implication, and felt a heat spread about their face. It was, if nothing else, a big compliment that Balin thought it possible ... 

Balin looked at them as though they had gone crazy. “No. Most certainly not.”

“They were rather angry, you know? I don’t think our relationship is still ... well. Thorin did defend me just now, but maybe that’s just because we have saved each other’s lives and stuff. I have been informed that such is rather important to dwarves, and entitles me to Thorin’s loyalty forever, basically.” There were things that could not be forgiven, and Bilbo was rather sure they would be quite cross if someone kept, say, their father’s pocket watch from them. No, Bilbo couldn’t blame Thorin for wanting to end what they had had. 

“The Arkenstone is the King’s jewel. Thorin pointed out that you own it. Now, a hobbit becoming King Under the Mountain is rather unlikely ... but the king’s consort owns whatever the king owns.”

“You mean ...?” No, that could not be. Quite impossible. Though Bilbo rather liked the thought. A marriage proposal! That would be ... well, nice. Very, very, nice. “You really think ...?”

“I am sure.”

“Then why doesn’t Thorin want to talk to me?”

Balin gave them a dry smile. “Having threatened you with a dagger, they probably fear rejection.”

“Forgiving Thorin because they weren’t in their right mind at the time would be against dwarven customs, I take it?”

“Very much so.”

“Well, then I am afraid, I will have to flout those customs. Normally, I would not tolerate it. My mother told my father on their wedding day that if he were to ever raise his hand against her, she would leave, instantly, and never return.”

“And did he?”

“Of course not! My father was a decent hobbit! Well, what I was going to say, I would not normally tolerate it, but I did steal the Arkenstone, and Thorin was clearly insane, so in all likelihood, this will never happen again.”

“I should hope so.”

“Now that that is settled, I want to talk to Thorin.”


	18. Chapter 18

Bilbo walked into the King’s room without knocking first, and as a consequence, Thorin had no opportunity to pretend to be asleep. 

When Bilbo sat down at the bedside, Kíli gave them a knowing wink and dragged Fíli out of the room. As Óin had gone to see another patient, Bilbo was alone with Thorin. 

Bilbo cleared their throat. “Thorin, I forgive you.”

“What?” Thorin turned towards Bilbo, face pale from the loss of blood, eyes wide with what must be confusion.

“You threatened me with a dagger, in case you don’t remember. I forgive you, as you were clearly not yourself at the time. However, should you ever do this again, or raise your hand in anger against me, our relationship will be over. If ... if you still want to be with me, that is. I know it hurt you that I kept the Arkenstone from you, and I would understand if... if you want to end what we had.”

“No.” Thorin closed their eyes. “Bilbo, I ... I would ask you to relinquish the Arkenstone. I was not in my right mind when I told you to take it.”

“Oh.” It hurt more than anticipated, and Bilbo had been prepared for a lot of pain. “Alright. I don’t care for shiny stones, as you know.” The reason why this felt like having their heart ripped out of their chest was more because of what Balin had said about the significance of such a gift. 

“Thank you. I assume you wish to return to the Shire?”

“Yes ... as soon as you are healed, I should think.” Bilbo forced themselves to retain their composure. It would not help any to make Thorin feel guilty about this by crying like a child. 

“Good. Dís should have arrived when I am fully recovered.”

Dís. Thorin’s brother. “He will be delighted to see that you managed to keep his children alive.”

“Oh yes.” A small smile appeared on Thorin’s face. 

“Very sensible, what you did there. That dwarf was very unreasonable – it is a good thing Azog is dead, and in the end, it doesn’t matter who killed him.”

“To dwarves, it does. A great deal.” Thorin’s smile grew wider. “If, as you say, I am forgiven, then I can hope not to have to deal with their opinion on that, though.”

Bilbo blinked. “How so?” That Thorin was so interested in Bilbo’s forgiveness was very ... nice, even though it didn’t change the fact that the marriage proposal wasn’t on the table anymore. 

Thorin’s smile disappeared. “Oh. I am ... my apologies. I presumed ... well, in any case, I shall have to give the throne to Dís and go into exile.”

“Why?”

“I attempted to murder a loyal member of my Company ... which would be understood as necessary if I made it public that you kept the Arkenstone from me, but I will not do that, as I have no desire to blemish your reputation.”

“That’s nice of you, but really, it is of little importance. Nobody in the Shire will ever know about it, anyway.”

“There is the little detail that some of the traditionalists might want to have you executed for treason, I am afraid. Please trust me on this.”

“I could sneak away. There’s no need to sacrifice the throne. You risked your life for Erebor, you cannot go into exile now that you won it back!”

“Yes. You could sneak away.” Thorin sighed. “I thought you had forgiven me?”

Bilbo frowned. “I have.” 

“And you still want to be with me?”

“Yes, I ... wait. Oh, I see.” Bilbo’s heart beat faster. Could it be true? “You don’t want to blemish my reputation because it would mean I cannot stay here? With you?”

“Exactly.”

“But the other alternative would mean you have to go into exile...” Which meant Bilbo being allowed to stay in Erebor was of little use. 

“I had allowed myself to hope that I ... that I might be ... welcome in the Shire.”

Bilbo stared at Thorin. “You ... you want me to give the Arkenstone back because ... it is the king’s jewel and Dís will be king?” So Thorin had not taken back their offer of marriage at all? 

“That, and I do not trust myself around gold and jewels anymore. There is, I should hope, not much of that in the Shire, and ... and it is better if there is no gaudy, tasteless stone on your mantlepiece when I visit.”

“Visit?” Bilbo swallowed. “Thorin, I thought you wanted to ...”

“I did not intend to not presume ... of course, if you would ... if you will have it, my hand in marriage is yours.”

“You silly dwarf! Of course I want to marry you!”


End file.
